Give me a chance to prove that I
Could be your one, your inspiration.
Cause I swear, I won’t, mess it all up give me a try
I know that I have my own flaws
But they just build my motivation
So take me, right now, before I start to change my mind

Their voices are rather odd; someone said they can’t sing, but I think they can. And I like this song. Though the title is incrediby random.

BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. I’m watching Mall Cop. It’s mildly funny, but it doesn’t really make sense. Lots of inconsistencies. Stupid things that wouldn’t slip by. Bad version of Die Hard. Must be a parody.

I’m waiting for Christmas. I really want it to come. But I don’t want time to pass. I don’t want to go to school.

Haha, my mom just left to go CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. On the 23rd. Lord.

Oh, decisions can such be nasty little buggers, eh?  It’s time for me to change. I’m getting a haircut soon!!!!!! Haha, big deal, right? Well, I want it to be like shoulder-length with side bangs and layering near the ears. The only issue is that my friend just got her hair cut sort of like that last week. Granted, I’ve been planning my hair like this for about 2 months and just had to wait until now so I’d have time, but I haven’t mentioned it so she’d still think I’m copying. Bleh.

Haha, teenagers and their petty problems. Petty. Problems.

“Dear agony, just let go of me!” That’s so awesome, I love Breaking Benjamin. I figured out what it is about my music: I don’t like something just because it’s mainstream; I don’t like something just because it isn’t mainstream. I just like something. Which my friends don’t seem to get. Whatever. They can listen to whatever they want, I just want them to quit denouncing my music as “weird” and “emo,” etc. My friend told me that “all your music is emo,” even though I listen to several songs that she has, like “I Gotta Feeling,” “Replay,” etc. Though I’ m tired of those 2 songs. I’m listening to Dear Agony, that album from Breaking Benjamin, right now. Haha, I was listening to Jimmy Eat World ear;ier, and my friend was all like “ahhh another emo band” until I sang The Middle. “It just takes some time, little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride and everything’s gonna be all right, alright.” (?)

Argh, I have to start working out again soon >_< stupid conditioning. But it’s good for me! And I could use a little toning, haha. Gotta get some sweet workout songs. Better come up with a plan, too, or I’ll never get anything done.  Haha, I should probably start eating healthier (whatever, forget correct English).

Brrr..I love snow, but it’s cold INSIDE my house. Argh. I don’t really have anything to say.

I think I’m an angry person.

Cause I know I would, regret if I ever left
Take a look just a little closer
Because she’s the one that makes it feel like home
And I see now, but I can’t fight
Wait here just a little longer
Hold on tight you about to lose her
These feelings that I have inside for her

–The Scene Aesthetic

And I remember everything,
Everything I loved,
I gave it away like it wasn’t enough
All the words I said and all you forgive
How could I hurt you again?

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Busyyyy week. Makeup courses in drivers’ ed, tennis, Religious ed, etc. Writing that paper.

Ugh. I want new clothes. And new hair. And a new body. And a new face.

I can’t figure it out. Why do some people get to be smart and attractive? Why do some people only get one? Or none? It’s not fair. At all.

Well, at least I’m finished with classroom instruction in drivers ed. Passed the final test with a 96. The 2 questions I missed were obvious, and boy did I feel stupid after that.

Well, now my sister is watching the cartoon version of Robin Hood. It’s quite entertaining. I recently watched the Black Cauldron, and apparently I wasn’t allowed to watch it as a child because it was too scary. I can see how it would traumatize me then, but I liked it, it was cute. I would’ve liked some closure with Dobbin though.

OK. Get a grip. We’re doing a project in History and we’re going to have to split into groups. Today, I was standing and talking with my friends, also in that class, when one of them spoke up saying these other people wanted her in their group, and wanted to know if that was okay since she had already pinky-promised to be in the group of my other 2 friends. As they discussed this, I walked away. In class, I smiled and talked. Behaved normally.

Reminds me of a lyric. I don’t remember what song it’s from, but here it is: “Said I’m okay but I know how to lie.”

So.True.

I should be studying for that test right now, but…I’m so distracted. FML. I know I should get over it, but it hurts when your friends exclude you. I’m ready for Christmas break. 2 more days! Goodness, I can make it. I can make it.

What if I let you in?
What if I make it right it?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
What if you take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we start again?

–Red

Half way around the world lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake
Is bending you ’til you break, let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes, don’t open ’til the morning light
Baby don’t forget, we haven’t lost it all yet

Dear dermatologists, why does no one provide an email? All I want is to ask a couple questions about becoming one for a stupid paper! My English teacher is the pits and I have to have this by Tuesday, and it’s not working out.

Blahhh, I’m coming down with a cold. Bad day yesterday. Very bad. Took some weird test. He took it too. I don’t think I did very well. I can’t imagine that he did.

Then I’m pretty sure all my friends went got together at someone’s house and watched a movie. I wasn’t invited, but I caught snippets that let me know what was going on. :/ Life sucks.

Frankly, I don’t know what to do anymore. I really think I need new friends, or maybe I just need to be less annoying? Overbearing? Stupid? Argumentative? Because lately, I haven’t even been causing problems, I just say something innocent and get jumped. Example: After taking a test in AP, my friend asked how I did. I told her I didn’t do very well, and bombed the essay. Her response: “Why?” So I told the truth: I didn’t study beforehand, which was my fault, but when I tried to I didn’t know which questions would be the essays, and couldn’t properly prepare. And what does she say? “You did know the essays, I told you.” Okayyy? So I say no, maybe you told someone else. And she insists that no no no no she told ME. And the weirdest thing? She literally seemed angry, and was outright ACCUSING me of lying about not knowing the essay. I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything. It doesn’t affect her.

Actually, this certain friend appears to have had an issue with me lately, and I suppose I should just let it go. Which I’m trying. But she doesn’t seem to be. At all. And quite frankly, it’s getting to me.

Maybe the entire world is getting to me now. I’ve been incredibly forgetful lately. I have to write myself reminders to do things and I keep losing possessions. I get distracted a lot. I can’t remember how to do these math problems.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone’s talking about me. Then I wonder how I could be so vain as to think that anyone would actually CARE enough to talk about me, be it in spite or (though unlikely) in praise. I’m pretty sure I’m just a blip on people’s radar that they either ignore or don’t notice at all.

Well, I thought this guy in one of my classes might like me. I wasn’t really interested, but I was kind of flattered that it might be possible. Then he asked my friend out. It was stupid of me to think that someone could actually have liked me anyway, I suppose.

It’s rather interesting how the theme of this post keeps changing, hm? I seem to be doing a god job of writing about my feelings today, I updated things over at YT and FF.net too.

I should make myself a cup of tea and read a good book. Maybe it would distract me from how much of a loser I am.

Baby, close your eyes, don’t open ’til the morning light
Don’t ever forget, we haven’t lost it all yet
All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby, don’t forget we haven’t lost it all yet

We haven’t lost it all yet
We are closer, we are closer

–The Fray

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

I am pathetic.

Ohhh, I feel sick too. I have a headache, and I feel very tired and almost..faint, I suppose. Tea helps. I like tea. With milk and sugar. Mmmmmm.

But, I am pleased to announce:

PROJECT IMPROVEMENT! –my completely dorky and stupid way of trying to make myself feel better

I don’t really know the specifics of anything yet, but it’s time for me to stop moping around and try and make things better myself. Hence, I will be making several lists for each area I want to improve, and how to do it.

I know, I know. Don’t take on so much at once! But you misunderstand me…I thrive on projects! I do so much better when I have a lot to tackle, than if I try to go one at a time. I suppose it’s really that I don’t like to have to drag things out and keep working on somethinng. So this is the best way for me.

The world awaits!

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Sayin’ you love but you don’t
You give your love but you won’t

–Tonic

This white blows, so softly
The movement still is in my mind
This flag from in Reedport
Will start to catch beneath the wind
Catch beneath the wind

It’s only in your dreams
It’s only in your dreams
So exit the fall, and now it’s over
It’s only in your dreams

Blahhh…finally home. 10 hour drives can take a lot out of you. But they’re not the worst, I suppose.

So my friend is complaining about being fat and ugly, and quite frankly it’s annoying me to no end. She’s had sooo many guys like her and call her attractive, meanwhile I’ve never been called attractive by anyone but my mother. We’re from a small private school that’s a feeder for the slightly larger high school, and a group of guys there decided that the hottest girl from our school is a tie between her and my other friend.

And she has the guts to complain to me that she’s only pretty for a private school girl. I reminded her of this when she was complaining, saying that those guys think she’s hot, and she said “for a Saint Joseph’s(changed) girl.”

Really. I just feel great right now.

Then there’s the fat thing. She’s claiming she should starve herself because she’s gained ten pounds and she weighs 130 now.  She’s 5′6″. Really. Perfectly healthy. She doesn’t look fat at all.

The way she does her clothes and makeup, you’d never know she thinks she’s fat and ugly. She basically gets whatever clothes/makeup she wants and she seems to think she deserves it. Her parents didn’t get her a car for her birthday so she demanded an expensive new phone. Literally, that’s what she told me. I dropped my phone and broke it, and had to wait 2 months until I was eligible for an upgrade. I then had to choose a phone that came free. And I understand why. But it isn’t fair.

I’m not allowed to complain to her. She says it’s annoying and she doesn’t want to hear about my problems.

I need new friends, don’t I?

This flight comes, it’s nameless
The dark is calling out my name
Escape with, no traces
The movement burns inside my veins
Burns inside my veins

By now this tide is here
I thought I made it clear
This is the threat
This is the fall

And now it’s over

–Exit Calypsan

I think I’ve gained 5 pounds just from yesterday.

Blehhhh.

Are you ugly? A liar like me?
A user, a lost soul? Someone you don’t know
Money it’s no cure A Sickness so pure
Are you like me? Are you ugly?

We are dirt, we are alone You know we’re far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone You know we’re far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me? Are you ugly?

I’m not very happy.

Is it bad that, lately, my annoyance with a lot of my “friends” is steadily increasing?

I don’t know. These are the people that I’ve gone to school with forever, but I feel kind of…distant. Excluded. Out of the loop. I am out of the loop. They all have their little inside jokes and secrets that they don’t tell me. They don’t invite me to hang out with them.

And I don’t make friends well. I’m kind of shy and quiet, I guess. And terribly uninteresting.

I’m tired of being the butt of all the jokes. I’m tired of being the overly-flawed one. I’m tired of being the unattractive one with bad hair.

Meh. Apparently, I complain about everything. Which I do. But I’m not the only guilty one.

I need new clothes. I need to learn how to do hair and makeup.

It’s pointless anyway, I suppose.

Turn a blind eye Why do I deny?
Medicate me So I die Happy
A strain of cancer Chokes the answers
Are you like me? A liar like me?

I don’t care, you don’t care
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, just like me
I blame you, you blame me
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, like me

Are you Ugly?

–The Exies

(Falling To Pieces)
(Falling To Pieces)
(Falling To…)
Try to find a way to figure out
What’s holding me down
And it tears me apart now
Tired of the weight I drag around
Slowly breaking, I’m fading away

Stumbling blind, I need some peace of mind
so…

Hahahaha another questionnaire, and this one is perfectly pointless!

Question #1: Birthplace

Auburn

Question #2: Height

5′4″

Question #3: Hair color

Dark Brown

Question #4: Eye color

Deep Brown

Question #5: Work place?

School?

Question #6: Any animals?

Doggy

Question #7: Goals for this year?

Survive

Question #8: Goals in life?

Make lots of money

Question #9: Are you close with your family?

Sure

Question #10: Have you gotten in a fight?

Not the way you mean, I suppose

Question #11: Have you been beaten up?

No

Question #12: By whome?

Um…N/A?

Question #13: Whats your favorite color?

IDK, periwinkle, pink

Question #14: Do you like to watch sports?

Tennis

Question #15: Whos your favorite team?

I like Notre Dame, Djokovic and Murray

Question #16: Do you like to drink?

I don’t drink

Question #17: Whats your favorite alcohlic drink?

It tastes gross.

Question #18: Do you do any drugs?

Nope. Well, I drink caffeinated beverages.

Question #19: How long have you been sober?

Forever

Question #20: Who was the last person that kissed you?

Never Been

Question #21: Are you in a relationship?

Nooo

Question #22: When do you want to get married?

Later

Question #23: To whome?

…it’s not working out

Question #24: Whats your best feature?

I have no good features.

Question #25: Whats your worst feature?

Everything.

Question #26: Whats one thing you want to change about yourself?

Um…everything, but I guess I want to be less critical.

Question #27: Is it possible?

I hope so.

Oh, Lordy, my life sucks.

Won’t somebody come around and save me
I’m out here alone
Falling to pieces
I’m standing on the edge now
Can you hear me calling
Coz I’m falling to pieces

 

–Ana Johnsson

Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I’ve known.
Holding on like it’s all I have.
Count me out when it’s clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.

I wanted to see something that’s different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Meh, I saw this and thought it looked interesting :/

 

1) I’ve come to realize that my boobs:

are too saggy even though I’m still young.

2) I’ve come to realize that my job:

doesn’t exist, even though it should and I just need to get my application in.

3) I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving:

I don’t know what I’m doing

4) I’ve come to realize that I need:

someone to help me, a better life, a better mind.

5) I’ve come to realize that I hate it when:

I’m excluded. I don’t mind being alone, but I can’t take the isolation of exclusion.

6) I’ve come to realize that money:

is something I need, but don’t have.

7) I’ve come to realize that certain people:

actually most people, are blind to their own faults.

I’ve come to realize that Ill always be:

someone I want to improve.

9) I’ve come to realize that my mum:

 is one of the smartest people I know.

10) I’ve come to realize that my mobile phone is:

this stupid little glowing thing that never lights up with the right person.

11) I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning:

I was running late, like always.

12) I’ve come to realize last night before I went to sleep:

I’d get more sleep if I could just think less.

13) I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about:

 life, family, friends, him.

14) I’ve come to realize that my dad:

loves me.

15) I’ve come to realize that when I get on MySpace:

 I’ve clicked the wrong link.

16) I’ve come to realize that today:

was better than most days.

17) I’ve come to realize that tomorrow will be:

awful.

18) I’ve come to realize that I really want to:
scream.

19) I’ve come to realize that life:

doesn’t just work out; you have to fix things yourself.

20) I’ve come to realize that next weekend:

should be pretty good because I’ll be at a football game with my family, not friends.

21) I’ve come to realize that my best friend(s):

are completely different people from me, but they’re all the same.

22) I’ve come to realize that this past year:

I have changed.

23) I’ve come to realize that the last person I kissed:

 doesn’t exist.

24) I’ve come to realize that when people walk out of my life:

I want them back, but they’ve already given up on me.

25) I’ve come to realize that when I get worried:

things don’t turn out well.

26) I’ve come to realize that I laugh the hardest when:

 I’m just trying to hide something.

 

Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I’m wrong, it’s just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you’ll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I’ll know what to say,
It’s fine, this isn’t Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

I wanted to see something that’s different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

–Acceptance

And Ive lost who I am
And I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words
Carry on

Yes, I’ve not updated for the longest time. This may be an incredibly extensive post, or an extremely short one.

I don’t know, I guess I’m going throgh a pretty tough time right now, but I actually have it pretty good and if anyone were ever to read this they’d probably lecture me on how people are starving in Africa or whatever. But that’s just me being stupid. I am stupid. I am a horrible, awful person. I am annoying, overbearing, argumentative, contrary, and incredibly ugly. I always think I am right and argue and state my opinion too much. I never know what to say, but brag and babble. And I just don’t know how to change.

I don’t want to be myself. I want to change.

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

And it probably doesn’t surprise that part of this problem is a boy. Some one told me once that you can pretty much trace any girl’s problem back to a guy. I don’t think that’s neccessarily true. After all, here he’s only part of the problem. He may have, inadvertently, helped me realize the problem’s there.

I’m trying to improve, but it’s hard. I don’t know how. I want to be a better person. I know, I know: prayer. I forget. And I have to do some things myself. After all, God helps those who help themselves. So what else can I do?  There are soo many things wrong with me.

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war’s not over

He hasn’t spoken to me once this school year. I’m so stupid. I need to get over him, but I’m just too stubborn and dumb…and hopeful.

I shouldn’t be so hopeful.

And I know, I know. “If it doesn’t matter, you wouldn’t be thinking about it so much.” That’s the point.

It matters to me. It just doesn’t matter to anyone else.

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all
Yes his love will conquer all

–Trading Yesterday